my inferior erwin has enumerated me to perorate about an entity which i vilipend, therefore, i shall now harangue about the transcendently majestic...




JONAS

BROTHERS

first off, why the fuck does every stereotypical teenybopper like their music? i can understand if they like their semi-attractive faces [since they either do not have muscles of any sort, or take reverse steroids to suppress their hugeass muscles], and im not saying that i like their faces or anything, in fact, it took me roughly 4 minutes and 37.4 seconds to realise that females might find them attractive. and i also am not saying im the best-looking and most muscular person in the world. sure there are a lot of people who look much better than me, well, maybe except for this guy



but lets just pretend i am the best-looking and strongest guy in the whole world for now. so anyway, as i was saying, i can understand if stereotypical teenyboppers like their appearances [which is apparently not important in making great music in my opinion, in case any dumbfucks out there did not know that, i mean, just take a look at tom araya, he looks like shit, but at least he makes some pretty awesome music, at least to me], but why, why oh why in the name of god, do they like their music? i mean, what do they sing about? well, typical songs about love, success, and the distant future when they outsell kelly clarkson and their seventh album had gone multi-platinum [the distant future indeed]. who the fuck cares about these kinds of shit? well, stereotypical teenyboppers, thats who. i, a rational young boy on the other hand, enjoy listening to songs about war, necrophilia and genocide.

look with me, if you will, at the lyrical genius of jonas brothers as compared to slayer.

'hello beautiful' by jonas brothers (WoOOWw!!1)

hello beautiful
hows it going?
i hear it's wonderful in california
ive been missing you
its true...
but tonight
im gonna fly
yeah tonight
im gonna fly
cause i could comb across the world,
and see everything
and never be satisfied
if i couldnt see those eyes
hello beautiful
its been a long time
since my phones rung
and you been on that line

'killing fields' by slayer (they suxx0rz 2 da maxx0rz)

you know the feeling when adrenaline takes control
cant beat the rush that leaves a suicidal hold
instinct spares no one, destroying the human heart
the taste of blood can rip your soul apart
devils that drive us do not discriminate
a state of mind that becomes the ultimate end
action reaction, blood line is not immune
to the depth of human nature inside of me and you
a sociopath with empty eyes and no soul
paranoid psychotic heart of stone, my blood runs cold
evils of passion can drive reason to extremes
love hate and murder, temporary insanity
on the edge of a demented personality
emotional pain is a deadly reality
a choice is made of free will
just like the choice to kill
decisions to lose control
my self-destructive rationale
in the speed of a moment
life stands still now youre standing in my killing field

with that said, let us now move on to the bands sales. in their 2 years of releasing 3 albums, they have resulted in a total of roughly 2.5 million records. naturally, boy bands are supposed to be sellouts, just take a look at the fucking backstreet boys who have sold over 100 million records in 12 years, an average of 8 million records a year, but for some apparent reason the jonas brothers have sold an average of 1.3 million a year. now i know i am comparing a hugely successful boy band with a not-so-hugely successful boy band [both of which i do not like], so lets compare them with some generally underground metal band. system of a down has sold 16 million records in the past 7 years, an average of 2.3 records a year. 2.3 > 1.3. enough said.

also, by analysing some pictures of the band, i have come to the conclusion that the size of their genitalia is extremely minute, approximately 0.5 cm. i say this because they all famously wear 'purity rings' on their left-hand ring finger and have apparently vowed not to have premarital sex. joe has said that the rings symbolize a promise to themselves and to God that theyll stay pure till marriage. this, along with the fact that they dont mind wearing tight jeans, is proof that they have small penes [yes, thats the plural of penis] as they do not dare to have premarital sex. for this example, lets take joe as the person caught in a dilemma, since he made such a stupid comment. anyway, if he does have premarital sex, his partner [hopefully a female] would laugh at his small penis and would end their relationship [if they even had one in the first place]. therefore, he believes that after marriage, his wife would accept the fact that he has a micropenis and would be willing to have sex with him [although i dont know how thats possible]. but no, he was wrong. he does not know that the biggest weakness of a man is actually having a small penis.

i will now show you this little timeline which i have predicted using predictorsoft v3.5 to help you understand how this will lead to the end of the world.

29 march 2009 - joe jonas gets married to tao li.
4 april 2009 - joe jonas and tao li [attempt to] have sex. tao li realises that joe has a micropenis.
6 april 2009 - tensions between joe and his wife occur.
19 april 2009 - the couple are divorced.
21 april 2009 - the other two unmarried brothers step in to help but get knocked up in the process.
24 april 2009 - they get angry with one another and are constantly fighting.
4 may 2009 - a huge riot occurs when kevin jonas calls joe jonas a 'weenie'.
7 may 2009 - the riot ends, the jonas brothers are found asphyxiated, decapitated and crucified upside-down.
8 may 2009 - president bush, an avid fan of the jonas brothers, calls for a day of national mourning while jesus comes down from heaven [again] to throw a rocking party with some joseph guy.
12 may 2009 - president bush declares war against heaven and fires missiles and atomic bombs towards the sky. the missiles and atomic bombs fail to recognize the place 'heaven' and head downwards, striking several countries.
14 may 2009 - the whole world is destroyed. jesus has a good hearty laugh.

summary: jonas brothers suck. if you like them, you suck.