random crap you might or might not want to read, but ill put it up here anyways, so i can make this book look more awesome than it already is, lets just hope that it doesnt explode or anything, as that would be messy and i dont like messiness
on july 8, 2008, a deep, rushing, "whooshing" sound engulfed the nation. it was the sound of normal-minded citizens of singapore everywhere sighing with relief after realizing that mc had died. the sighing generated a massive air movement that fucked up the earth's atmosphere. according to wayne lim, this one dude who lives down the street, "the massive air currents caused by the sighing of so many people at once nearly resulted in a hurricane that would have totally destroyed singapore.
"fortunately (for some), singapore has not been destroyed.
also, in a move that has baffled religious experts everywhere, jesus christ has returned from heaven to watch the death of mc being broadcasted on national television.
upon watching it, christ said a few words to onlookers and then ascended back into heaven. sources close to christ state that christ had been awaiting mcs death for quite some time. "jesus first saw the mc and sf argument at around may or so," said a spokesperson for christ. "hes been looking forward to mcs death for years." it is now believed that the end of the world will take place during the third coming of christ, contrary to previous reports that it would happen during the second coming.
those were real incidents.
anyway, since you have just finished reading the main part of the story, i shall now put some other crap to fill this book and make it look thicker and heavier than already is (which is currently at page 4257, if you cant see the number at the bottom).
after the death of mc, i have constantly attempted to determine the motive of such horrifying stupidity-driven attacks. what causes one to try to deceive his or her fellow "friends" that he is their "friend" in this fashion? is it a means to gain attention? to feel important? to compensate for meager genitalia size? possibly. likely, in fact. it is unclear where the initial motivation originates, but it's most likely the result of a phenomenon known as "too much damn free time". this, combined with the aforementioned need for attention, and small penis size, creates a deadly combination.
heres a picture of what i did when finding the answers to these mindboggling questions.
thus, the answer i got was this:
go the hell away and stop asking me so many annoying questions that i obviously wouldnt answer even if i knew what the answers were.
you may be asking yourself, how can i protect myself from this atrocity? how do i fight his unthrowbackable throwbacks? whats this weird sticky stuff on my arm? fear not, as i have come up with a handy little guide on how to win a battle against mc, if you ever get into one.
yeah, i know you can lose with it, but hey, noone's perfect.
anyway, if youre as stupid as mc and want to be him, heres another handy little guide.
people often ask me, "why is mc so gosh-darn cool?". well not really often, but still, 3 or 4 people actually liking mc is like mrs eu marking stuff herself. but anyway, before i smack them, i inform them that the answer is... you guessed it (or maybe not), dna.
whats so great about dna, you ask? why, if it werent for dna, president bush (or just about any person who sucks) would have probably been just a rock or something, and therefore it would have really sucked to be him.
now, the next question is... "how can i get to be cool like mc?" well, you could be born in some non-existent place in africa get dropped as a baby six times and mutate. or, you could take the scientific approach.
first, wed have to take a strand of mcs dna and put it under a really powerful microscope. then wed see all the little individual genes, or pieces of dna, each of which defines a certain characteristic. one piece might make him like mc hammer; another might make be mentally challenged; another may cause him to live near a mcdonalds outlet in the middle of nowhere. the trick is to get in there and isolate the "mc gene" from the dna strand. the "mc gene" is what makes mc kick ass. without it, hed probably be like chester bennington from linkin park or something.
next, using a very, very small pair of tweezers, you must pick out the mc genes from the strand. its best not to touch them with your bare hands, because you don't want them to get dirty. the next step is to insert the genes into the new host body.
lets say youre erwin wong. but youre tired of being just erwin wong... you want to be mc wong. as mc wong, you could finally not be treated like a homosexual, and no longer be referred to as "happy". well, with the magic that is dna, your dream could come true!
note: this method might not be so easy now since mc is already dead, but if you have a problem with this damn thing, you can just piss off, you fucking pansy.
i had a startling revelation the other day, while I was locked in my closet. well, actually i had two startling revelations; the first being that the jonas brothers is one of the most intensely shitty bands ever started, rivaling any rap person/group. the other revelation, which i plan to discuss here with you, is the fact that a new ps3 game will be released soon. it is titled 'punch mc as much as you want!'. it has already been rated by hugeass game websites like http://chaos-equilibrium.blogspot.com/ and none else as 'literally mindblowing' and '423,456,789,120 hours of pure fun!'.
imagine, if you will, the hours of entertainment brought on by watching a digitized fist slamming repeatedly into mcs face. i bet that "final fantasy" or "maple story" game you've been playing doesn't seem quite so awesome now, does it? though the beginning of this game reminds me of final fantasy music. of course, lots of things remind me of final fantasy music while im deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents of an aerosol container. but thats another story.
you can find this game at your local game store on the 20th of december. if you cant find these at your local game store, then your local game store sucks.
some quizzes to pass your time:
which one is the real mc?
if you are smart, you would have guessed the one on the right. mc is a retard, not a businessman. however, if you chose the picture on the left, you are an idiot.
heres another quiz (though not really related to mc at all):
1. what is jeff hanneman's first name?
a) jeff
b) frank
c) muhammad
d) jesus
e) archie
2. where was jeff hanneman born?
a) idaho
b) mayberry
c) baghdad
d) the ice planet hoth
e) cold storage
3. whats the name of the jonas brothers first album?
a) reign in blood
b) souljaboytellem.com
c) its time for nickie!
d) toxicity
e) a little bit longer
4. why does pierre bouvier live in africa?
a) gets inspiration from large flying cockroaches
b) nice place to go where his huge penis wont make him stick out
c) wanted to know what its like to be poor
d) hiding from wayne lim, the dude from down the street
e) always got beat up for trying to ride his bike around in montreal
5. what is anton laveys relation to marilyn manson?
a) both were original the winfrey oprah show cast members
b) they were raised by wolves
c) neither of them recycle
d) they were both on the primary school chess team
e) both are devout catholics
6. what nickname do i use on msn?
a) ~JoNaS*BrOtHeRs*FrEek*666~
b) 2hawt4u
c) GhostFaceKilla_wu1
d) MrBigShot
e) pie_
7. serj tankian created the soundtrack for what popular video game?
a) super mario
b) dicksucking 2
c) punch mcs face as much as you want!
d) world of warcraft
e) where the fuck is yee kan?
8. if mozart hadnt become a big famous rock star, what would his current job be?
a) used car salesman
b) batman's sidekick
c) nick jonas' dicksucker
d) stand-up comedian
e) windows tech support rep
9. the song contains a 'this cocaine makes me feel like im on this song' contains a brief sample from what movie?
a) return of the jedi
b) harry potter and the chamber of secrets
c) the dark knight
d) amityville horror
e) jonas' first movie
10. whats the best track on the album 'riot!' by paramore?
a) crushcrushcrush
b) hallelujah
c) misery business
d) thats what you get
e) angel of death
11. why was the original video for 6 minutes (by the incomparably awesome jonas brothers) never released?
a) joe jonas accidentally taped over it with a simpsons marathon
b) kevin decided that anime-ish stuff just doesnt represent TJB the way he wants
c) nicks pants werent shiny enough in the original video
d) it got stolen by the people at burger king
e) forgot to actually make an original video
12. trent reznors father is a(n) ____________.
a) architect
b) racecar driver
c) hungarian adult film star
d) spy
e) damn hippie
13. what's so disturbing about the movie 'ghost game'?
a) eerily similar to those old home movies with uncle phil
b) not available at many dvd stores
c) the picture quality is just dreadful
d) has lots of loud, scary music in it
e) reveals source of meat used at kfc
14. how did travis barker get recruited as blink 182s drummer?
a) was found standing on a highway holding "will drum for blink 182 for food" sign
b) won the monopoly game against mark hoppus
c) is actually a machine built by mark hoppus, tom delonge and scott raynor
d) proved that he can drink beer under the table
e) lars ulrich is just too old for drumming these days
15. what had to be cut from the "closer" video (by nine inch nails) before it could be shown on tv?
a) the band high-fiving each other at the end
b) a gratuitous mud wrestling scene
c) dave mustaine
d) trent reznor tweaking his nipples
e) 80's hair
16. what is the perfect drug?
a) tylenol allergy sinus
b) dramamine
c) claritin
d) robitussin dm
e) beer
17. what is the "tapeworm" project?
a) matt shadows long-awaited collaboration with kenny rogers and dolly parton
b) a great big lie
c) a new tantalizing fragrance from calvin klein
d) a new comedy starring hillary duff and hillary clinton
e) codename for vanessa carltons secret plot to assassinate me
18. what is the name of bullet for my valentine's current tour?
a) "the poison is gonna strengthen me yet again"
b) "you play with me some toys"
c) "fourity wordities to chokity uponity"
d) "all these things i love revolve around me, yet i dont know what to do with them"
e) "scream aim ejaculate"
19. is heavy metal loud?
a) not really
b) its more shiny than loud
c) yeah, totally
d) once a heavy metal album fell on my arm. my arm had to be amputated.
e) i like marshmellows
20. ESSAY QUESTION: what song means the most to you, and why?
now that you've answered all of the questions (if you haven't, get your ass back up there and answer them), let's see how badly you did!
1. b
2. c
3. e
4. c
5. e
6. b
7. c
8. b
9. d
10. e
11. e
12. c
13. e
14. e
15. a
16. a
17. c
18. e
19. d
20. slow burn by atreyu makes me wanna listen to it some more
i may not find out if you decide to cheat, but you'll be forced to live with it for the rest of your life if you do. now multiply your score by 100 and see what you are!
100-200 complete failure
300-400 moron
500-600 i hate you
700-800 poser
900-1000 limp bizkit fan
1100-1200 could be worse
1300-1400 whoopee, you passed
1500-1600 worthy of some respect
1700-1800 one of the chosen ones
1900-2000 psycho
if you have gotten a score of 1500 or more, email me at theguywhowritesaboutmcandstuff@gmail.com and you will get a non-existent philips refrigerator!
this is what mc would look like wearing make-up. isnt that cool? i think thats very funny. ha ha ha ha ha. look at him, he looks like a girl. ha ha ha ha ha.
oh and while im at it, i would also like to take this moment to ask mr. 'future president of the united states of america' barack obama to please stop stalking me. ive been too afraid to say anything sooner, but now im just too tired of dealing with this. i know what youre up to, barack, and i think its time the world knows, as well. i know those of you reading this probably think im crazy now (assuming you didn't already think so to begin with). but please, hear me out. just give me a chance to explain whatss been happening and how barack has been destroying my life. then you can resume pointing and laughing at me.
a few years ago, when i went to america, i saw barack obama in person for the first time. dont ask me how, hes just a friend of my father. he also saw me for the first time, and this is when the stalking began. apparently he thought that just because i was his friends son that automatically made us soulmates or something. what a creep.
over the years, i kept seeing him around my house, looking for me. this made me crazy. crazy enough for me to be locked up in a rubber room if i decided to contact the authorities about it. however, after a few years, he disappeared. probably due to the presidential elections or something.
my life at last returned to some sense of normalcy. but just a couple of months ago, i began seeing him on television, in places where he shouldnt be, watching me from the other side of the screen. whenever id see him on kids central, he was repeatedly dropping subliminal hints to me, letting me know that hes still watching me, and telling me what color underwear i was wearing. i was always thinking 'goddamnit, get off the screen, i wanna see whats happening to barney.' it was enough to drive me insane, but not to the point of contacting the authorities. no. no. no.
but dammit, stop coming to my house and eating my food! i cant afford to restock my refrigerator (or get my ass whipped) every two days or so, cause im not a big election dude like you. and i know youve been using my bathroom... i sure as hell dont use that much toilet paper. i dont know how youve been able to get through the machine gun turrets or the flaming chimera, but this has got to stop.
you have to understand, i am the victim here. barack obama is manipulating me and ruining my life. i wish i could just wake up and have this all be a bad dream, but its not that easy.
note: i dont really know where that entire section came from, all i know is that after i came to, i saw an empty bottle of listerine. i dont know whether that had anything to do with it. but anyway.
now we have reached page 482,542. did you enjoy reading this book? if not, go back and read it again until you do enjoy it (sometimes it takes a little while).
disclaimer- everything in this book is entirely fictitious. any resemblence to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
(just kidding, its all real.)
credits;
mc- for starting all this crap
tsepin- for suggesting someone to do this crap
me- for writing this crap
peimin- for giving me the messages
tsepin- for reminding me what mcs last words were
erwin- for helping me out with the quiz stuff
mh- where i got 70% of my inspiration. my biggest thanks go to him.
google- for giving me lameass pics
paint- for being such a wonderful program
you- for making such a stupid decision to buy this book
me- for creating the day 47th of august
THE END